Study Concludes Autism Linked to Children Mouthing Loose Change

Parents today were awoken to a terrible new trouble that is now sweeping the nation.  A new study published from Oxford University has said that they have definitively proven that Autism has a direct link to children who teeth on loose change during their childhood.  They describe the process in great detail of how the Chinese metal in the coins can build up quickly over time and change the brain chemistry of a healthy child into the brain chemistry of an autistic one.

Doctor Karl Brenhenson, Head of the new Autistic Cure Division of Oxford University, has been trying to alert the general population as too the horrors that are contained within reach of young children.

“We must remove all change from the public before 2025 or we might see a large increase in Autistic children before the year 2030.  This will lead to a minimum of 40% of the general population unable to take care of themselves and be required to live on welfare indefinitely.”

Other experts in the field think that Dr. Brenhenson may have gone too far but do advocate themselves that change be confined to special containment pouches to limit exposure to young children who may be harmed by the contamination.

We will update this article as the news progresses.

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